Except of course, that one can no longer smoke within establishments (rightly, I might add – though I say to all those non-smokers who said they supported the ban on smoking in pubs as a factor that would allow them to visit more often [in the voice of Delia Smith] “Where arrrrrrre you?”. Fuckers.).

So there is where I am staying, Ye Olde Talbot (no, really): an inn, perfectly fine, relatively cheap and, frankly, more fitting to my battling-to-remain-working-class character than the overindulgent, massively expensive boutique hotels I would prefer with Her.

And then there is the Pheasant. Perfectly fine old building, just up the road. Fosters is £2.70, staff baffled by mild erudition in chat, though friendly, and the (after) thought to smokers is rather surprising.

And then there is also the Swan with Two Nicks (quality name, which would always entice me, particularly, or oddly, because in this case it is accurate rather than playing the pun*). Beck’s Vier at £3.70, which is amazing as a difference for pubs barely 15 yards apart. Also Doom Bar, Old Slug (yum!) and Sign of Spring. Which is green. Green.

Anyway, whilst it looks similar to the Pheasant from the outside, it’s considerably different within – though both are much more expanisive than the frontage suggests, spreading backwards like secret drinking alleyways.

In order, therefore, the smoking options:

Take your own guess as to which I preferred (the clue is where my paper and pint are…)

*From the website: “The Dyers swans are marked with one nick [at the time a ‘neck’ could hold a similar meaning] on the beak, whilst the Vintners have two”