I understand this; as the cook in the house, it’s limiting – but I get it.

And then she heads off on a hen party, for the glorious Al, and with the excellence of Suzi and Roselle. I feel that I should warn the town, but there doesn’t appear to be a central contact for such. It leaves me, however, with all the options of food that I could want. And other ways to fritter time away. Crossword and pint;  great – also with additional value of SkyGo giving me the cricket in one ear and visual when fun happens. Maybe Moon, finally? It’s Eurovision as well, for all of the soft lark that brings – though really, that’s only fun with other peeps and I appear to have run out of anyone who gives a toss. And the first England friendly since Roy Hodgson took over.

Well, options, then.

Perversely, the thing that has knackered most of my waking days for seven of them now, is what I should “treat” myself to… a hotter curry? Liver? Steak and kidney pudding?

There were so many options: I like the sense of spice beyond reason. But I also like food across the whole gamut – from crisp sandwiches, through a pub’s lasagne and all the way to Michelin starred marvellousness. In the end, I went with hot dogs. Princes’, not some clever variation. A hot dog isn’t a hot dog unless it’s an inherently processed, slightly rubbish thing.

But that allows for a  little leeway. Firstly, with hot dogs, one must have fried onions (which are a bit burnt, regardless of the opinion on that phrase). Cheese, mustard, ketchup and such are all optional but if you don’t have fried onions, you are de facto, a nitwit. Fact.

Spice was the thing for me. So, herewith, is a way to make ketchup EVIL (this is for one lovely tin of 8 hot dogs):

• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 4 hot green chillies, or other sense of HOTness. You know best.
•  1 clove garlic
• fresh ginger, about a teaspoon, sliced and diced
• 1 cap fish sauce
• squeeze of lemon juice
• pinch salt
• pinch black pepper
• 3 level tablespoons of good ketchup; your choice.

Chop garlic and chillies and ginger; pan fry lightly in the oil, just until you sneeze, then add fish sauce, salt (be careful on this – fish sauce is salt, essentially) and pepper. Turn heat off and add lemon juice. Mix together in heat of the pan, give a minute and then tip into the ketchup. Leave for 2 hours minimum for all the heat and madness to spread and mungle.

Use in the usual way you might any sort of ketchup.

I went with larger bread because it was better bread – should have been finger rolls really. But it just meant it was two dogs per bun. No major loss!

Until this point in this post, it was all predictive, because I was “cooking” as blogging. I’ve now tried and eaten. One word and some accurate grammar: yum!!! Also, ran out of ketchup.

Well, meat sarnies are all well and good but it’s really CHEESE that counts. I had an epiphany many years ago: on the way to the pub, for some unaccountable reason, I abruptly realised that a cheese and tomato sandwich was going to be the finest sandwich ever. It was true – although I didn’t find this out until the following day, as there was drinking to be done.

The thing is, the notion of the sandwich came intuitively and fully formed; it’s quite specific in the requirements even though I had not eaten one previously but the it remains unchanged for me to this day. Ingredients:

• 2 slices of bread – white for preference. Good quality.
• cheddar cheese – a good processed one, not a proper flash one (leave that for the cheese board)
• tomato – crucial that it’s not a wet, tasteless supermarket one. Riverford’s are nice!
• margarine or butter as preferred
• salt
• black pepper
• white pepper
• mug of tea (critical: see below)

Slice cheese and tomato generously but not too fat. Place on marged bread. Pinch of salt. Good grating of fresh black pepper. Now the important parts: firstly, lots of white pepper. Black pepper is good for an aromatic flavour but white pepper has its own distinct flavour and a much harder spice bite that works really well. Secondly, a steaming hot mug of tea (not sugared). Slurp between bites – the tea brings life to the white pepper, leaving tingling sensations at the corners of the mouth. Absolutely joyous.

If you don’t have any tea, make a cheese and onion sandwich instead. The second best of all sandwiches.

Ingredients (serves 2-4):

• 2 courgettes
• 1 bag spinach
• 1/4 of a good stock cube
• feta cheese
• one small preserved lemon
• 3/4 pint of water

Preparation

Top and tail the courgettes and chop into chunks.
Remove any rough stalks or bad leaves from the spinach then roughly chop.
Dice feta into small cubes; finely dice the lemon.

Cooking

Place some olive oil in the base of a large pan (it only needs to be large to get the spinach in at the start!), add the courgette and season with black pepper. Cook until sizzling and slightly softened, then add the spinach, stock cube and water. Place a lid on the pan and leave to simmer for about 5 or 6 minutes.

Either transfer to a blender or, for a rougher texture, hand blend for a couple of minutes. Place back on a very low heat and, once hot, turn off heat and add the lemon and feta cheese. Leave for a minute, then serve. Drizzle a little yoghurt over the top, if wished.

• 8 crottin de chavignol or other small, whole goats cheese (full rind)
• 1 bag of lamb’s lettuce (or rocket)
• 1 large red pepper
• 2 or 3 ripe, fresh figs
• 8-10 slices of serrano ham
• olive oil
• balsamic vinegar
• fresh black pepper

Preparation

Place red pepper in oven at 190C for 15-30 minutes until blackened on the outside to some degree; remove, place in a bowl, clingfilm and leave to one side.

Slice each piece of ham, carefully, lengthways and use each strip to wrap around the cheese first over the top, then around the side. Press together in hands, wipe with olive oil and reserve in fridge (note: if using something a little larger than crottin de chavignol, you may need more ham and perhaps not slice it up first!).  When the pepper has coooled for a little while, remove clingfilm and run under a cold tap, peeling away the skin. It should come away easily. Place the skinned pepper in a tupperware tub and leave, also fridged.

Cooking

When ready to make the starter, remove the prepared ingredients from the fridge. Turn oven to 140C. Lightly oil a tray and place cheeses on, then place in oven.

Meanwhile, share the lamb’s lettuce around the plates, arranged in a ring, slice the pepper into strips and add three to each plate (odd numbers always look better!), then chop the figs and do the same.

Check the cheese: it may take anywhere between 5 and 10 minutes or a little longer. The aim is to get it softened (check by pressing a finger) and gooey but not bubble out into a flat mess. If any cheese is leaking after 5 minutes, turn down the heat and keep a close eye on it. If it continues, remove and serve.

Drizzle the salad with oil and vinegar. Place the cheese in the centre of the ring. Crack pepper over the top and serve immediately.